We can mourn the loss of many things like a loved one, a pet, a relationship or even a job.
There is no right way to feel or express yourself. Everyone deals with it differently and I want to share my story on how I’ve been grieving the recent loss of my beautiful pitbull mix Xasha.
It’s been a week since I had to rush my fur baby to the veterinarian where she was immediately diagnosed with a rare spinal disease. Her health declined almost instantly. From one day to the next she went from running up and down the stairs to becoming paralyzed from the bottom half of her body. All of our lives changed overnight.
It was the saddest experience seeing her little face still full of life while her lower half had no movement. The quality of her life was no longer the same. The pain took over her little body and we knew we needed to make the tough decision of putting her down. My heart is at peace knowing we gave her the best life possible and she went peacefully in our arms in the comfort of our own home. Her pain is gone and all our happy memories will live on forever.
I had a silly love and hate relationship with her. I’d always pick on her knowing she would take it but spoiled her almost daily with pieces of wagyu, salmon and lots of cuddles.
Pets are so giving, loving and loyal. Bonding with Xasha always humbled me. There was never any need to worry about superficial things that had no emotional value. She taught me a lot about self love and inner peace.
Having a positive attitude of appreciation for oneself can lead to better mental health. She gave me comfort and soothed my soul with inner peace.
My entire life I have fought hard to find genuine happiness, it has always been hard for me to live in the moment. Me always thinking I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough or rich enough kept me from enjoying life authentically.
It’s probably because my parents split up when I was really young and my mom was working hard to keep the family together when my father was never present. She gave us all her love but times were rough with whatever scraps my father would throw our way. At a young age I realized the importance of financial independence. My father wasn’t broke but he always made it challenging when needed money for house hold expenses, new clothes, toys or extra curricular school activities.
Seeing my mom stress like that made me get a job as soon as I turned 16. I worked at a furniture and shoe store while I was in high school and Home Depot when I graduated.
These little jobs gave me financial freedom for the moment and allowed me to pay for my senior year activities like prom, grad night and my Highschool yearbooks. I quit one of my jobs after buying my prom dress lol. I was happy I didn’t have to beg my dad for any money for things I needed and was proud that I can get it myself.
At 18 a close family friend asked me if I wanted a job as a front office receptionist for a very elite Beverly Hills Plastic surgeon. Without hesitation I took the job. I was so excited and quickly made my way from answering phones to one of the top surgical consultants booking over 500k a month in plastic surgery cases before I turned 21.
From then on my passion for beauty and plastic surgery became my world. I was obsessed with aesthetics and the idea that we can physically change things about ourselves that we didn’t like or wanted to improve. The confidence my patients would get when they’d see their post liposuction results always made me smile.
A financially independent and confident woman can take over the world. There is nothing more freeing than not needing someone to make you happy or pay for your bills.
At that time I had a boyfriend in the military that was on base in San Diego. We were on and off for a few years. I was living my best life and really couldn’t be bothered. I would visit him on the weekends and chatted with him when I was in traffic on my way home. This was perfect for me, a part time boyfriend. Anything more was just a no, I was too busy with my career and lifestyle.
Well, at 21 I became pregnant and had a shot gun wedding. By 22 I had a new born and was going through a very expensive divorce and custody battle.
There really wasn’t a time for me to live on my own and just do me without any challenging obstacle of some sort.
After my daughter was born, I felt like I was getting pulled in every direction except one where I was growing as my own person. My daughters father made it very difficult for me to be a good mom. I just saw motherhood as a responsibility and didn’t really get to enjoy those first bonding moments most moms experience with their newborn. It was hard for me to be present for her physically and emotionally.
All I had ever known at that moment was work, closing deals and making money.
I felt paying for things as a parent made up for me not being there. After a year of battling for custody in court, we were both awarded 50/50 and even then her father still made things difficult for me always.
Later in her life when she was around 6, I became ill. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and was experiencing stressed induced manic episodes. I was in and out of the hospital for a few years.
My life started all over, I lost my job, I lost custody of my daughter and my family’s trust. They didn’t understand my diagnoses since mental health awareness didn’t really exist back then.
I felt alone and was at my lowest, rock bottom moment. My 20’s were a blur from all that was going on and in that era I was also a dancer working nights and drinking a lot. My environments were very unhealthy and dangerous for a person with mental health difficulties.
Xasha came into my life when I needed unconditional love the most. I had really hit a bottom and had lost all sense of positive direction.
It wasn’t till my early 30’s that I grew into adult hood and rejoined the world of responsibility.
Xasha really helped me navigate my feelings and fulfill my soul. This dog literally came to me because my Roomate worked for the VCA and brought home a whole litter of dogs one night. My now boyfriend happen to be over when he saw the litter and Xasha made instant connection by giving him a lot of puppy kisses. It was obvious that we were now dog parents to this little bundle of fur.
As Xasha and I both got older, our connection grew stronger. She understood my energy. I began to mature and worked hard on becoming a better mother.
I didn’t have custody but was becoming more present in her life, I was mostly focused on establishing a strong bond with my daughter in any way I could. Each time I’d see her, I would spoil her as much as possible.
I wanted her to associate mommy time with happy time. It made me happy to see her happy.
Funny story, Xasha was actually named by Julianna my daughter.
Things started looking up for me, my mental health was becoming more stable. I started working on my relationship with my daughter. I still wasn’t working in the beauty industry and wasn’t sure if I wanted to go back to an office job.
It’s kinda like once you are in such a position, you don’t want to start at the bottom anymore. In my 20’s somewhere in all that madness I did study makeup artistry and skincare therapy both at MUD makeup and Paul Mitchell schools.
Also was lucky to attend a few master classes with some very famous and talented makeup artist like Mario Dedivanovic, Scott Barnes and Priscilla ONO.
That’s when I decided to start my beauty blog and beauty concierge business La Beauty Guide
It’s allowed me to return to the beauty industry and work on my own terms by collaborating with different beauty professionals including cosmetic surgeons, makeup artist, hairstylist and skincare therapist.
Losing Xasha has opened my mind on how I can be a better person, how can I help someone else and how I can grow my business. I miss her dearly, I will think of her everyday and remember all of our good times. Her loss has made me more vulnerable to sharing my feelings and slowly reliving some hurtful events in my life, so that I can heal and grow.
I’m hoping some of my stories can help others, and share that when there is a will, there will always be a way.
Our mind is stronger than our bodies, whatever we believe can happen if you work hard in to making it a reality.
I’ll be working on starting a charity in her honor to help rescued animals and causes to help women recovering from domestic violence.
I hope this blog touched your heart. I am open to comments and questions if you would like to email me at audrey@labeautyguide.com